Phoenix

mood: depressed

29 November 08
3:49 pm

Seeing dad like that in the hospital bed out of it as with tubes in his mouth was frightning and surreal. He doesn't look like my dad, and he moves sometimes but he's not really aware of anything around him.

I held his hand for ages even though he wouldn't have known it.

He has a gash that has been stitched up on his right side from hairline to corner of right eye, some bruising around his cheeks we're the fractures are and a redy, yellowish, purply swollen eyes.

The doctor came in to talk to us about dad, and she said there is a chance that he might not come out of it and die, or be in a vegetative state, thats worse case sccenario. That really threw mum, i'm being strong and trying to keep thinking positive about everything. But it's hard.

And hopefully he will get better, i mean i know that it wont be straight away and that it will take awhile and be a very long process but atleast if he starts to respong to commands than we know he's getting better and is on his way.

The nurse who's looking after him is really nice. We'll be going back after 5 cos theres certain times you can't be there, like when the doctors do the rounds and stuff.

But the Ascott motel is on the same road as the hospital which is good. But it's really noisy and way different than living in a small town.

Part of me can't wait to go home and the other part wants to stay with dad but i'm flying home tuesday and i can't wait to see Simi.
 

But i really really just want my dad to get better and come home.

1 December 08
4:38pm

Yesterday mum and i went into central Wellington to have a look around and have a break from the hospital and then went and visited dad in the after noon. There was no change.

Has been no change today, but he's not on the sleeping medication but hasn't woken up. He moves his arms and legs and even scratched his nose a few times but he doesn't respond to  commands from the nurses.

One of the doctors talked to me and mum todayand said there is a high chance that dad will die and mum took that really hard, i'm in denile stuck firmly down the bottom. I'm still hoping he will wake up and be fine but i know that even if he does wake up it will be a long process and he wont be the same person anymore.

It's going to be so incredible hard to have to face up to not having a dad anymore. And what makes it harder is that he looks so peaceful and like he could just wake up at any moment. And all you see is this huge scar on right side of his head and a balck eye so its hard to understand why he's not waking up. But its his brain that needs to heal and for the swelling to go down.

I'm trying to be strong for mym, i don't want to brake down infront of her. As soon as i get hom i will more than likely brake down.

But, we've managed to talk my brother into coming down for a couple of days to see dad it will be good for him, otherwise if dad dies he will never be bale to forgive himself. I'm also going to write an email to one of dads other daughters Vera, and let her know whats going on and then she can let the other three know.

Dad went for a CT scan at 4:00pm so hopefllu we will get his test results back when we go see him at 6 and hopefully its good. They also gunna put a trachy in his throat so they can take the tubes down his mouth out cos it annoys him and he always trys to pull it out. And he has gotten a chest infection from it and a high temperature.

They've given him antibiotics to help with infection.

And i'e just been at the hospital since 10:30 cos thats when the docs finish their rounds nad me and mum sit beside him and i hold his hand and will him to squeeze it but he never does. And sometimes me nad mum read our books or we talk about dad and when me and Brenton were little and hopefully he can hear us on some level and know that we are there.

2 December 08
3:56 pm

Am on the plane headed for home, dad opened his left eye quite abit today which was great, but his eye was blank and empty. But he opened on command which is very good but couldn't squeeze mine of the nurses hand when she asked. It was hard to leave him, but i needed to leave anyway. It was getting to be too much for me. Sitting there for around 2 1/2 hours everyday having breaks after every 2 hrs before going back for another 2 hours. It is very draining and you get really tired really quickly. I'm glad to be going home, but still sad over dad.

They put the trachy in this morning which doesn't irritate him so much which is good. He has a high temperature but he's on antibiotics to help that and the chest infection.

Mum managed to talk Brenton into going there for one night, flying in Sunday going Monday. He really does need to see dad because if he takes a turn for the worst and dies Brenton will never forgive himeself for not going to see him while he's still alive.

As i was leaving i talked to dad and said that i'd see him when he got home cos he had to come home and gave him kisses and a little hug and he moved his legs abit towards me so he knew i was there. Cos he was in a deep peaceful sleep as i was leaving.

I'm really glad he opened his eye today so i could see it happen, it's another step in the right direction. But, head injury patients take a very long time to recover, if they even recover at all. Theres high chances that he wont make it at all and die thats the worst case scenario and he could also become a vegetable or recover slowly over the next couple of years, but he wont be the same person.

Mum keeps freaking out and saying he's going to die and i turn around and tell that he isn't going to die. I mean i'm living firmly in denile wedged at the bottom, im not budging unless i see him in a wooden box. it's the only way i can stay sane.

But, i told mum if dad was to die i wouldn't be able to cope and would have to go back to counselling. And would withdraw into myself.

Dad isn't a very sociable person or touchy feely kinda guy but he's my dad adn has always been there and the thought of loosing him is too much to handle.

Changing the subject, theres alot of cloud outside and it looks amazing from my window, like a blanket of melted white marshmellows. I wish i could take a picture of it.

I haven't cried at all these past four days, mums had little crys now and then but i've been being strong for her, talking, smiling, laughing. When we sit beside him we talk about dad and us and random things that happened when we were little (me nad my brother). So on some sub-cconcious level he must know that we are there. it's just such a horrible situation, mum doesn't even know when she'll be bale to come home.

And as much as i love having the house to myself, im theo nly one working so its a little hard, mums given me some muny to pay the 2 weeks rent with and some bills, but we don't have alot of muny and my $300 a weak can't sustain anything, its hard enough trying to live on that just by myself let alone have to support bills and eberything.

I just want my dad home, and healthy and happy and everything back to normal. But i know that that may never happen at all, we could end up bringing him home in a box.

And as much as i appreciate all the phone calls and well wishes and people saying "if theres anything i can do just ask". But what i want is for this to have never happened and no one can do that.