Phoenix

So after having almost over half of the people cancel on the day of my party. It did end up being a good night.

 My Tristan came, *dances* all the way down from auckland just for me. I was so happy i ran down the stairs to meet him and glomp him and we almost fell down the stairs. We also sat at the edge overlooking the dancefloor from our own private floor (of which i got my own bouncer to stop people from coming up who wern't invited, i was so excited about that) with my legs draped all over his and we talked for freakin ages about lots of stuff and our gayness,  and i told him all about my wifey ^_^ and that how if we both wern't gay we would so be soul mates and so freaking godlike together, and we even got a few kissies in with each other. *grins* He said i was a cute kisser cos i did something cute with my bottom lip *shrugs* and then we hit the stage and grinded and danced for hours in amongst the throng of people already on there and got bounced around and then when we headed back upstairs he tried to make me piggy back him and then we sorta slammed around into everyone who was n the floor earning dirty looks even though i did apologise.

And then once upstairs me and Tristan and Mikayla danced for freaking ages until sweat was pouring off and my legs were jello and still i kept going until i felt like passing out and could barely move from all the dancing.

Plus we had our own bar upstairs and until about 1am we had our own bartender hehehehe special.

And i got to see my Apollo too,

 me loves her so much, and she was awesome, she drove me, my mistress Jade and her bf home cos our sober driver got drunk and we didn't trust her to drive us home safely. Lots of love for her, have known her since our first year of high school, we going way back now.

And one more pic, of me and Butters! wootin, i made him get up and dance with me, Tristy and Mikayla

 Your awesome sauce butters just awesome sauce.

 

All in all, asides from those who didn't show it was an epic night full of dancy goodness and kicking the two sluts off the stage cos we just felt like it and we wanted to be the only ones on the stage which ended up with blurry photos taken by Apollo of myself and Kristy who was Lady Gaganess.

Rest of the photos on my Facebook.

Much love goes to everyone who came, specially my lana cos when i jumped into the little corner left of the couch she and Nick were snuggling on a grazed my arm and got a boo boo and made us both very stuck and uncomfortable in our positions lmao, and when Tristy kissed my boo boo better he made it sting cos of the alcohol on his lips -_-' but i still loved him for kissing it better even if it did make it worse lmao.

 

So here i am sitting here just like i do every Monday with a headache so fierce it feels like someones trying to split my head open from the inside and feeling like im gunna vomit. Yay.

I found this site and have been playing around abit heres what i've been doing cos im just so kool that im gunna share it with you.



 

 

The site is photofunia.com and its pretty kool, you should go and check it out and play around. Lol






 

Can someone shed some light on this. I mean im bi and im all good talking about liking both guys and girls and im not sure which way i lean more, i think more towards girls or it could be guys or im stuck in the middle, but why is it that mentioning something like having a girl partner instead of a guy partner makes others go akward? I mean they're bi aswell so why is it akward when i say things like im ready for a baby and it doens't matter if its with a guy or a girl. Or you know wanting a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend at the moment. Not that im sure i can handle a relationship or want one at the moment.

Why is it that everyone gets all quiet and akward? They all say they're bi as well and my straight friends understand more and dont go all akward on me when i say things like that, they accept it so why can't my bi friends do the same. Im not going after them and i make it clear that im not. So if they're really bi as they say they are then why do they need to get all akward on me.

It fucken hurts, to have told someone you want a girl in a sexual way and with them saying they are bi theres no reason for them to get fucking akward on me. Why does it matter so much if at the moment i want a girlfriend and not a boyfriend? And why is people pressuring me to get a bf? Im so fucken sick of it. Im trying to be who i am and not go the way everyone expects me to go and its fucking hard and emotionally painful and draining im not sure how long i can do it anymore.

ok so i have a new YouTube account, www.youtube.com/xXUchihaPhoenixXx 
I have a live rant on there , so if you wanted to see me ranting about something that was bugging me awhile back go and watch it. And you get to hear what i sound like, i reckon i sound really weird and not at all Kiwi. Lol

Ok so im on for a little bit tonight (Sunday) but i wont be on on Monday or Tuesday or anything. I worked 8 hours today and then im going shopping with my mummy tomorrow in hamz for the day and then on Tuesday im working again and then Wed, Thurs,Fri,Sat and Sun. Ah what im doing in preperation for my trip to the UK. Im just trying to get enough money saved up to have lots and lots of spending money and stuff. So yea Lo, you better take me shopping when i over there. Cos i can spend like a demon. Lmao.

So yea just thought id let you both know thats why i wont be on this week. *shrugs* I'll deff be on next week unless i get asked to work again.

Oh and memba all that shit i went through with my duty manager Robert? Yea well im having trouble with him again. He went off his nut at me becos i couldn't throw something up onto the mezzanine floor cos it was too heavy for me. But don't worry, i had a go at him and told him exactly what i thought. I also said that i wasnt fucking retarded so stop treating me like i am.

Lyn from chilled foods over heard and when she went up stairs started laughing and praising me. So on Tuesday im going to talk to Marj about it again. I don't deserve this. Im not going to stand by and be bullied. So im thinking about going to Countdown, i dont care if its a shitty store. Atleast i wont have to deal with Robert AND i'll get paid more. But i'll have another talk with Marj and discuss things with her. I don't want to have to leave cos i like the people there, well most of them anyway, but if things don't change, and i dont mean for like a month or so i mean permanently im gunna leave.

He's a real chauvenistic (sp?) pig and has no respect for women and thinks that women shouldn't be working that men should. He looks at me like im a disgusting she-Orc or something. And im not, im a pretty she-Orc Lol.

Ahh, i'll let you know what happens with it ae

Have you ever wanted someone so badly that your soul ached? That it could bring you to near tears with a mere thought? That just bringing it to mind you ached for them, mind, body, and soul.
 

That all you want most is to have their arms wrapped tightly around you, to feel their lips upon yours, their hand in yours, fingers intertwined with each other.
 

To grab hold of that person and not let go? To want them by your side for eternity?
 

How can one feel like that when one doesn't even know who she is. Yes she. I want her more than anything, I just wish I knew who the hell she was.
 

Maybe I'm just feeling hormonal and emotional, idk, whoever she is, I really need her and want to hold her more than anything, to kiss her, hold her hand. Just be near her.
 

More than that I want to find her. I haven't felt like this about anyone for a very long time. Not since Tink left for Christchurch over two years ago, and even then it was totally different yet similar.

I've been feeling like this for a few days now and it makes me sad to now know her. To not have her in my arms.

It is possible I already know who she is? That maybe my conscious mind isn't ready to deal with it, but my sub-conscious already has?

Idk, but I yearn for her and crave her like no one before. I wish I knew who she was.

Hehe ok so yea this is stolen from Lolly but im bored and it looked like fun.

FIVE LASTS:
1. Last beverage → Water, how exciting
2. Last phone call → No one calls me, cheaper to txt
3. Last text message → Kristy
4. Last song you listened to → Never Leave - Seether
5. Last time you cried → Uhm, a few months ago.

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Dated someone twice → Not as far as i can recall
2. Been cheated on? → Uhm don't think so
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? → No
4. Lost someone special? → Yes
5. Been depressed? --> Yes
6. Been drunk and threw up? → Yes, but i had a cold at the time

LIST FIVE FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Black
2. Blue
3. Red - to an extent
4. Purple
5. Silver

HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends → Yes
2. Fallen out of love → Yes, quite easily
3. Laughed until you cried → Yes, last Saturday too while i was at work
4. Met someone who changed you → Yes
5. Found out who your true friends were → Yes
6. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes
7. Kissed anyone on your friend's list → Not on my Lj friends list but on other ones yes
8. How many people of your friends list do you know in real life → Uhm seeing as on my lj there not many pple uhm none of them face to face
9. How many kids do you want to have → I think two is a nive number, a boy and a girl
10. Do you have any pets → My kitten
11. Do you want to change your name → Yes!
12. What did you do for your last birthday → Went out to dinner with some friends
13. What time did you wake up today → About 9:45am
14. What were you doing at midnight last night → Trying to re-write something
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → September!
16. Last time you saw your father → About three minutes ago
17. Something you want to change about your life → Being so far away from one of the most important people in my life
18. What are you listening to right now → Fuel - Leave the Memories Alone
19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Yes
20. What's getting on your nerves right now? → Having to find someting to wear for St. Patricks day at work, i don't own anything green. *cries*
21. Most visited webpage → Facebook/Hotmail/Lj/Cartoon-World/YouTube

WHAT...?
1. What's your name → Phoenix (and i'm sticking to that)
2. Nicknames → Nyx, Turkey, Jub Jub, Artemis, Temari, Dodo, Pippi, and many more
3. Relationship Status → Technically Single, but otherwise im married to my Ino *grins*
4. Zodiac sign → Virgo!
5. Male or female or transgendered → Female
6. Elementary → Cambridge Primary
7. Middle School → Cambridge Intermediate
8. High school → Cambridge High
10. Hair colour → Naturally Blonde. atm, dark brown
11. Long or short → short
16. Height → 5'7"
17. Do you have a crush on someone? → Uhm not really
18: What do you like about yourself? → My bubbly personality, my smexy eyes
19. Piercings → 10, four in one ear five in the other and my tongue
20. Tattoos → One so far, in between my shoulder blades a double bow and arrow
21. Righty or lefty → Righty

FIRSTS :
22. First surgery → Never had one
23. First piercing → My ears
24. First best friends → Tracy,
26. First sport you joined → Netball
27. First pet → Thunder
28. First vacation→ Went to Waiheke Island when i was around 3 or 4 maybe i think i ate sand
29. First concert → Do school concerts count? Cos i went to my brothers band concert thing. Other than that none
30. First crush → Cameron, we were about 7 and we were gunna get married 

RIGHT NOW:
49. Eating → Nothing
50. Drinking → Water
52. I'm about to → Go and check my balance to see how much muni i have so i can go and find something for St. Pats day
53. Listening to → Miley Cyrus - Fly on the Wall
55. Waiting for – Episode 11 of Death Note English Dub to finish downloading and for my ipod battery to charge

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids? → Yes
59. Want to get married? → Yes, but only if i find the right person
60. Careers in mind? → I don't know but i would love to help people. A social worker or counsellor or something

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
68. Lips or eyes → Eyes
69. Hugs or kisses → Kisses
70. Shorter or taller → Taller
71. Older or Younger → Older
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Both, if he could be romantic and spontaneous at the same time that would be great.
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → Definitely both
74. Sensitive or loud → Not too loud yet not to gushy
75. Hook-up or relationship → I would prefer a relationship but as im not so good with them hook up
77. Trouble maker or hesitant→ Definitely a trouble maker but not out of hand

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger → Yes
79. Drank hard liquor → Yes
80. Lost glasses/contacts → Does loosing them in my room count?
81. Sex on first date → No
82. Broken someone's heart → Yes, because i was selfish and thought i was so kool
86. Turned someone down → Yes
87. Cried when someone died - Yes
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → Most of the time
90. Miracles → Absoloutly
91. Love at first sight → Not
92. Heaven → Yes
93. Santa Clause → Yes
95. Kiss on the first date? → Yes
96. Angels → Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Absoloutly
98. Who is it? → My Ino and my Jellybeanie
99. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → No
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? → Yes

I found this while browsing pics on DA and i just had to share it with you.

"Yuri Lowenthal is the English dub for Sasuke. Tara Platt is the English dub for Temari. And what is really cute about Yuri and Tara is that they are married to each other in real life."

Haha go Sasuke/Temari. Lol

And thanx Jellybean. *glomps*

Ok, so i've been having this idk "brakedown" lets call it for about over a week now and its making me seriously think about quiting ff.net and writing all together. Idk, i feel like my writings just insubstancial, like whats the point anymore when theres others who are just so much better than i am?

Why continue doing something that just turns out to be so horrible? I just end up torturing myself about how shit it really is.

I've always had trouble with my words. Expressing how and what im feeling. Getting my words out. I stumble and stagger over words alot more than i should. Sometimes i have a stutter and can't get the words out.

Speach therapy is supposed to help but it never did, my brain still can't connect with the words i want. And alot of the times i forget what objects are, i cannot remember their names. Its horrible and all through school got told i was the epitome of dumb blonde cos of it.

I just wonder whats the point most days like would it have been better if i had of just left ff.net the first time i considered it a few years ago? Maybe. Idk.

I wish i could write better. I wish i could produce amazing words but i can't. I hate it.

Ok so im at work yesterday and im helping pack up at checkout and this guy i've known since my second year at high school is there with another girl i know Jess who also works at the same place as me but in a different department, adn anyway he walks over to me and says hi and howare you and then turns around and says my hair looks like crap and i look tired.

Well hellooooooo, i've been up since 6 and i've been working all day this was about 4:30 when we were talking. I was like excuse me? I've been working all day so what if my hair looks like crap, its up and out of the way. He said it looked lack lustre. Well who the hell gives a flying fuck if my hair isn't perfect? I mean geez, im working at a supermarket not at some fashion house or anything.

I mean when you see a friend or someone you know and havent seen them in awhile one of the first things you say isn't your hair looks like crap is it? Thats just plain rude.

I got the day off work tomorrow cos me and mum are going up to the Auckland Rehab where my dad is staying to have a sort of family meeting about my dad with his doctors and co-ordinators and such. So hopefully but tomoorow afternoon we will have found out whats going on and hows hes progressing and when we can bring him home.
Mum wanted me to come so i can find out first hand and see dad and maybe think of a question or something that she mite not think of to ask about dad.
So my uncle's taking us i think whic is kool, i've got my ipod working this time so i dont have to spend the 2 and a half hour drive listening to him and my mum prattle on about sill things. i can't take a book or anything otherwise i'll get carsick, i have to be able to look out the window and see where i am going sorta thing.

But my gods today has been unbearable its so hott. Its like a heatwave hot, you can't get away from it it invades everywhere. And when it rains it doesn't make a difference its still just as hot, but we haven't had rain since last week i think or the weak before maybe. This is why i hate summer in NZ its really really really long and far too hott. I really hope its not as hot cos travelling in a car with only air conditioning going will be unbearable, cos my uncle doesn't like the windows down cos dust mite get in or sum such shit. *sigh*

 

Ok so christmas is like what . . . two sleeps away. And i spent all my money yesterday on an external hard drive so i can download more anime and some dvds, so i was sposed to get my mummy a nice necklace but low and behold no money. So im either gunna have to face the chaos that will be at the Warehouse on Wednesday (xmas eve) before work or not get her anything. Dammit, im gunna have to face the chaos.

But i get xmas day and boxing day off and dont have to work but i still get paid. *dances* Which is good cos i didn't work last Wednesdat so i could go adn see Twilight *giggles* I can't stop talking about that movie its just that awesome. I so can't wait to buy it on dvd.
When i was buying my external hardrive at JBhifi, they had theTwilight soundtrack advertised but it was sold out. I was so pissed off about that. I really want it cos my mate Kirsty has it and we were listning to it on the was to Twilight and its so good.

Well thats my ramblings for today *laughs*

29 November 08
3:49 pm

Seeing dad like that in the hospital bed out of it as with tubes in his mouth was frightning and surreal. He doesn't look like my dad, and he moves sometimes but he's not really aware of anything around him.

I held his hand for ages even though he wouldn't have known it.

He has a gash that has been stitched up on his right side from hairline to corner of right eye, some bruising around his cheeks we're the fractures are and a redy, yellowish, purply swollen eyes.

The doctor came in to talk to us about dad, and she said there is a chance that he might not come out of it and die, or be in a vegetative state, thats worse case sccenario. That really threw mum, i'm being strong and trying to keep thinking positive about everything. But it's hard.

And hopefully he will get better, i mean i know that it wont be straight away and that it will take awhile and be a very long process but atleast if he starts to respong to commands than we know he's getting better and is on his way.

The nurse who's looking after him is really nice. We'll be going back after 5 cos theres certain times you can't be there, like when the doctors do the rounds and stuff.

But the Ascott motel is on the same road as the hospital which is good. But it's really noisy and way different than living in a small town.

Part of me can't wait to go home and the other part wants to stay with dad but i'm flying home tuesday and i can't wait to see Simi.
 

But i really really just want my dad to get better and come home.

1 December 08
4:38pm

Yesterday mum and i went into central Wellington to have a look around and have a break from the hospital and then went and visited dad in the after noon. There was no change.

Has been no change today, but he's not on the sleeping medication but hasn't woken up. He moves his arms and legs and even scratched his nose a few times but he doesn't respond to  commands from the nurses.

One of the doctors talked to me and mum todayand said there is a high chance that dad will die and mum took that really hard, i'm in denile stuck firmly down the bottom. I'm still hoping he will wake up and be fine but i know that even if he does wake up it will be a long process and he wont be the same person anymore.

It's going to be so incredible hard to have to face up to not having a dad anymore. And what makes it harder is that he looks so peaceful and like he could just wake up at any moment. And all you see is this huge scar on right side of his head and a balck eye so its hard to understand why he's not waking up. But its his brain that needs to heal and for the swelling to go down.

I'm trying to be strong for mym, i don't want to brake down infront of her. As soon as i get hom i will more than likely brake down.

But, we've managed to talk my brother into coming down for a couple of days to see dad it will be good for him, otherwise if dad dies he will never be bale to forgive himself. I'm also going to write an email to one of dads other daughters Vera, and let her know whats going on and then she can let the other three know.

Dad went for a CT scan at 4:00pm so hopefllu we will get his test results back when we go see him at 6 and hopefully its good. They also gunna put a trachy in his throat so they can take the tubes down his mouth out cos it annoys him and he always trys to pull it out. And he has gotten a chest infection from it and a high temperature.

They've given him antibiotics to help with infection.

And i'e just been at the hospital since 10:30 cos thats when the docs finish their rounds nad me and mum sit beside him and i hold his hand and will him to squeeze it but he never does. And sometimes me nad mum read our books or we talk about dad and when me and Brenton were little and hopefully he can hear us on some level and know that we are there.

2 December 08
3:56 pm

Am on the plane headed for home, dad opened his left eye quite abit today which was great, but his eye was blank and empty. But he opened on command which is very good but couldn't squeeze mine of the nurses hand when she asked. It was hard to leave him, but i needed to leave anyway. It was getting to be too much for me. Sitting there for around 2 1/2 hours everyday having breaks after every 2 hrs before going back for another 2 hours. It is very draining and you get really tired really quickly. I'm glad to be going home, but still sad over dad.

They put the trachy in this morning which doesn't irritate him so much which is good. He has a high temperature but he's on antibiotics to help that and the chest infection.

Mum managed to talk Brenton into going there for one night, flying in Sunday going Monday. He really does need to see dad because if he takes a turn for the worst and dies Brenton will never forgive himeself for not going to see him while he's still alive.

As i was leaving i talked to dad and said that i'd see him when he got home cos he had to come home and gave him kisses and a little hug and he moved his legs abit towards me so he knew i was there. Cos he was in a deep peaceful sleep as i was leaving.

I'm really glad he opened his eye today so i could see it happen, it's another step in the right direction. But, head injury patients take a very long time to recover, if they even recover at all. Theres high chances that he wont make it at all and die thats the worst case scenario and he could also become a vegetable or recover slowly over the next couple of years, but he wont be the same person.

Mum keeps freaking out and saying he's going to die and i turn around and tell that he isn't going to die. I mean i'm living firmly in denile wedged at the bottom, im not budging unless i see him in a wooden box. it's the only way i can stay sane.

But, i told mum if dad was to die i wouldn't be able to cope and would have to go back to counselling. And would withdraw into myself.

Dad isn't a very sociable person or touchy feely kinda guy but he's my dad adn has always been there and the thought of loosing him is too much to handle.

Changing the subject, theres alot of cloud outside and it looks amazing from my window, like a blanket of melted white marshmellows. I wish i could take a picture of it.

I haven't cried at all these past four days, mums had little crys now and then but i've been being strong for her, talking, smiling, laughing. When we sit beside him we talk about dad and us and random things that happened when we were little (me nad my brother). So on some sub-cconcious level he must know that we are there. it's just such a horrible situation, mum doesn't even know when she'll be bale to come home.

And as much as i love having the house to myself, im theo nly one working so its a little hard, mums given me some muny to pay the 2 weeks rent with and some bills, but we don't have alot of muny and my $300 a weak can't sustain anything, its hard enough trying to live on that just by myself let alone have to support bills and eberything.

I just want my dad home, and healthy and happy and everything back to normal. But i know that that may never happen at all, we could end up bringing him home in a box.

And as much as i appreciate all the phone calls and well wishes and people saying "if theres anything i can do just ask". But what i want is for this to have never happened and no one can do that.

Ok so instead of coming home Sunday i will be coming home on Tuesday. So that gives me time to spend with my mum and see how my dad is doing. And no Lolly, he's not doing better. Hes in a coma atm, cos he's got brain swelling. And im freaking out becos of it. But everyone at work is just really supportive about it all. So that makes it better.
Matt can't take Simi, which sux, really hope that Moira can and if not i'll have to ask Mitch if he could take her 'till Tuesday afternoon when i get back in.
Everyones been talling me thati will love flying, its getting annoying cos i mite not.

And i can't sit still for very long i need to be doing something. But i will be taking my writing book with me and hopefully i can get some writing done and finish my xmas fics while im there. And i really hope that my dad regains conciousness so that i can atleast speak to him and know that he can hear me. *sigh*

Thank you for your support and love Lolly, it means alot. And thanks to everyone who's rung me in the past couple days letting me know there thinking about us and if i need anything just to let them know.
I'll let you know on Tuesday, maybe Wednesday whats happened and hopefully i have better news to report.

Luv you guys.

My dads company has just offered to fly me down to Wellington to see me dad in the hospital. And i got the day off tomorrow for it so Patti who works with my dad is gunna have a look at flights and ring me with the details. She's not sure if it will be a morning or afternoon flight. But yea, and they gunna pay for mytaxi to get to mum. Its so nice of them, and Matt (workmate) has offered to look after my kitten Simi. But he's gotta talk to his gf Sam first and if not i'll get Moira to look after Simi.

I'm so scared cos it will be the first time on a plane and i'll be all by myself too. But i really wanna see my dad so i can get over that little fear. So i'll be flying out sometime Saturday and coming home Sunday.  But at the same time im really excited to get out of cambridge and be with my mum and in another city. And see my dad too.

We just got a call from my dads boss about 40 mins ago saying that he's been in an accident. My dad's a truck driver, adn a whole heap of pellets fell on him and they're taking him to New Plymouth hospital i think. We don't know how serious the injuries are yet but since he's being transfered to hospital it has to be pretty bad. Greg my dads boss has just picked my mum up and is taking her down there and putting heup in a hotel so she can be with my dad, she's gunna txt me when she finds out but its a 6 hour drive down there and i don't know when i'll know. I can't go too cos of Simi, theres no one to look after her and feed her. But i'm so terrified of whats happened and if my dads ok. I was making jokes before about how we're probly gunna have him around the house for months now. But it was just to hide the fact that im so scared. I don't know what to do.

Everythings just dulled into a low murmer. I don't want anything to happen to my dad. It's not supposed to happen to me, to everyone else sure. But not me. I know everyone says that when bad things happen.

But i should be greatful for the fact that he's not dead, and i am. I'm just so scared and worried that i can't think about anything else. I wish i could have gone with mum and Greg. I really wish i was doing something other than sitting around the house. But i don't want to go to work this afternoon. I can't bear having to work when all i can think about is my dad.

Arghhh. Its not fair.

It started with a slight cough last wednesday and over the past week/ weekend escalated into a really bad cough sometimes dry sometimes flemy (i know i know too much info Lol) which then by come Saturday (i worked all week sick) i had the blocked/sniffly nose and the whole can't lie down cos then can't breath so have to try to sleep sitting up which is so fucking annoyin let me tell you, how can you sleep sitting up? I mean i guss i manage it cos i do sleep but it doesn't help. And now i've got the sore throat swollen glands thing and the sneezing always the sneezing.

But there is an upside to it, my mum was trying to steal some of my honey roasted peanuts yesterday (mmmmmmmm honey roasted) and i just breathed on them, she didn't want them after that Lol. But grrrrr i really hate being sick i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it.
It bloody sucks balls. Who wants my flu? Anyone? No? Oh come on please?

Dammit.

My mate Josh had his party on Sat night and it went from bad to worse, when i got there Jade went to her bf and they started kissing and hugging and stuff which reminded me that i am still alone, and then Josh's neighbours came over and i had gone to school with them and stuff and it was just akward and i was wishing i was somewhere else.

But then it turned good when i had had a few 8 drinks in me and i had a really awesome time.

Then for some reason i just got all depressed, someone left me alone and i just started thinking and thinking and then i started crying and i couldn't stop and i went out on the deck to be by myself and be in the dark and then someone came over and everyone kept asking what was wrong and i didn't know and things started getting blurted out that i didn't want people to know, and it was just awful, and everyones saying how gorgeous i am and im saying no and they keep saying yes and it doesn't really help when Jade is telling everyone to tell me how beautiful i am, that makes it worse cos its like they're saying it because she's telling them too.

And once i had calmed down i went inside (everyone was in the garage) and Butters came inside with me (I think he was smitten with me) and we had a depressing talk, (earlier it was him who got all depressed) and it helped cos i wasn't in the mood to talk and pretend to be all happy and stuff.

And then at about 1 - 1.30ish someone came in and said Jade was having a bad trip (she smoked some weed) and was crying out by Butter's car, and so naturally i run down the driveway to get to her and she's all hysterical and im holding on to her trying to calm her down as is Hamish (her bf) and then she starts running so me and Hamish are chasing her and then i grab her to keep her from running and she starts screaming at me like im some sort of a fucking rapist when all i wanted was to help her like she was trying to do to me.

And i just couldn't handle it and i was about to burst into tears, so i left her and Hamish on the street i knew he would take care or her i just oculdn't deal with it right at that momen. I walked back inside, grabbed my back and just started walking home. I couldn' be there anymore, i needed to be alone and away from everyone.

And of course i got lost, but Josh ran after me and walked me home despite my protests that i could do it by myself and wanted to be alone and didn't need him.

And spent the whole of Sunday lying in bed staring at nothing fucking depressed as, i still am. I really don't want it to be my birthday, please someone else, let me stay 19 forever, never age, never die. of course the whole being alone for eternity i could handle im so used to that.

And tonight is my birthday dinner with a few of my mates, i really don't want to go and be all fake happy when everyone knows im really not. it's just too hard, all i want to do is curl up in bed and forget all about it. And my mum hasn't even left me a birthday card, gee makes me feel so much better to know that my mum can't even leave me a card, she probably forgot like last year.

I don't see why im surprised after all im easy to forget.

Fuck, im about to cry . . . again. Fuck it all. Im so sick of all of this, of everything.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!!!! I get my tattoo in about an hour and a half, im so excited and so nervous i dont want it to hurt *pouts* BUT i know that it will cos its needles going into your skin, yeeeeea, not nice. But hopefully i get numbing cream and hopefully it actually works so that i don't really feel anything. 
Im getting a double bow and arrow between my shoulder blades and my mate Apollo (Kirsty) is coming with me and im so glad she is cos i'd be so scared by myself. And im glad too cos she knows exactly what my tatt means as it is a symbol from a very popular book series that we both love and adore. Sherrilyn Kenyons Dark-Hunters, its Artemis's brand mark. For those of you who know what im talking about you'll understand. I think.

Well Kirsty should be here soon so im off, wish me luck

OMGosh the latest Sherrilyn Kenyon book Acheron the big book the one everyones been waiting for and the oen that hasn't even come out in America yet is . . . OUT IN NEW ZEALAND WOOOHOOOOOO

Hahahahaha i got my mum to get it for me when she was in Hamilton last Friday, my mate Kirsty told me that it was out and that she got it and i was so jelous and excited at the same time omg i can't wait to read it im so excited. 

But i have to read Dream Chaser first as Acheron's book has spoilers in it about Jaden and as i havent read about him yet. . .

But i am about halfway through it now and am so jazzed for Ash's book its like the big monster of a book i get all excited and giggly when i see it hahaha 
Im such a nerd